News in Brief - 2 February 2009

PM Announces New Bailout Package
Following an embarrassing bladder-control incident last Monday, Gordon Brown has announced the nationalisation of incontinence-pant manufacturer Tena. A spokesman said that it was needed because the PM's 'grown out of his Huggies Pull-Ups'.

UK Children 'Unhappiest Ever'
A ground-breaking survey says the lives of UK children are harder than ever before. Government to take away their Playstations and the 'emo' buggers can go back to the mines and sweeping chimneys so they learn what hardship really IS.

Dalai Lama in Hospital
Exiled Tibetan leader Dalai Lama is in hospital in New Delhi for tests following discomfort in arms. Rumours he was trying to emulate the sound of 'one hand clapping' are unconfirmed.

Zimbabwe Dollar Sheds 12 Zeros
Zimbabwe is revaluing its currency, removing 12 zeros with immediate effect. Three zeros are to be loaned to the UK Treasury to help with its Budget deficit. Anyone with £10 in the bank now has £10 grand - congratulations.

Shoe Thrown at Chinese PM
A protester threw a shoe at Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao as he gave a speech at Cambridge University. This is the second shoe-throwing incident recently - shares in Hush Puppy and Clarks rose 15% in anticipation of increased demand.